


His Throne

by The_Hawk_Eye



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi (2018)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Implied Emotional Manipulation, Loneliness, References to Depression, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-05
Updated: 2018-01-05
Packaged: 2019-02-28 21:37:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13280349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Hawk_Eye/pseuds/The_Hawk_Eye
Summary: He could go after his mother, Rey and the rest of rebels. He could kill them; or he could go to his side to finish the New Order. He knows how to find them. He could use his bond with Rey, but he is too afraid to make a decision.





	His Throne

**Author's Note:**

> English is not my first language so I apologize for any mistakes toy can find here.

He doesn’t want to be there. He feels more miserable each second he remains in that throne. However he can’t move. He is afraid to move. He can’t make another decision. He is terrified of making another stupid decision.

So he remains in his throne.

Sometimes he goes to the bridge to make questions in order to know what is happening or if they are making any progress in finding the rebels. The rest of the time he is alone in that room where nobody can go inside without his permission. He wastes his time in that throne in a silence that he breaks with his own screams every time he can’t take it anymore. A silence he breaks every time he tries to destroy the room.

He can’t breathe most of the time. That throne asphyxiates him. He feels like the throne is swallowing him but he never moves. He lets that anguish sensation to eat his insides like a punishment for being the way he is. Those moments he cries in silence. He feels alone and miserable and do nothing to avoid that loneliness and sadness.

He just remains in his throne.

He could go after his mother, Rey and the rest of rebels. He could kill them; or he could go to his side to finish the New Order. He knows how to find them. He could use his bond with Rey, but he is too afraid to make a decision. He is not good at making decision; he always makes the wrong ones.

In that throne he remember other times; better times.

He remembers his father. He remembers his father when he deserves to be remembered; when he was a little boy too small to drive by himself the Millennial Falcon. Those days his father taught him to drive the ship ignoring his wife’s warnings. He can remember his laugh and his bright eyes. He remembers his father before he left them because he couldn’t take it anymore because being the husband of a political leader was too much for him and he missed the days when he only cared about surviving another day in his ship.

He remembers his uncle. He remembers his strong hand helping him to take a lightsaber. He remembers the days at the academy, his proud smile and his beard that covered the scar made during the war against his own father. He remembers the hours improving his pilot skills along Luke who laughed after congratulating him. He remembers his uncle as the man he was: always kind and most of all human.

He remembers his mother the most. He remembers her everyday; her long fingers intertwined his since he can remember. Leia always has been strong and that’s how he remembers her. But she is kind and friendly and strict and loving... She was the person who protected him all his life with a smile. He remembers his soft lips kissing him quickly trying to make him laugh or her voice whispering lullabies at night. He remembers his mother before and after Han left them; the interminable nights by his side crying because he couldn’t understand why his father would do something like that to them. Ben remembers being held by her arms...

He mourns for those memories because he killed them.

He forgets to remember that during those beautiful moments has always been a voice in his head telling him dark things about himself and the secrets of his family. He avoids thinking about that voice that destroyed his life since his childhood. He doesn’t want to ruin those memories.

He doesn’t like thinking about the voice now that finally has disappeared. He doesn’t want to think about his origin. He can’t accept what that means. He is not ready to accept out loud that Snoke has been controlling his life since he was a little boy ruining everything around him just to appear in the right moment as his saviour.

He knows the truth but he can’t admit it because that would kill him.

So he destroys everything around him screaming with no control and letting the rage controlling him for minutes till he is exhausted and he has to sleep. He never rests completely because his dreams are full of death and horrid things he can’t say out loud... He deserves them. He deserves to be alone and desperate and always longing for his mother’s touch and Rey’s kindness...

He knows he should do something... He knows what he should do... but he is terrified....

So he remains in his throne alone...

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are always welcomed.


End file.
